So I’m all brave now on Facebook posting pictures of the wedding and stuff. But it’s not because I’m “turning over a new leaf” or “coming out of my shell” or “growing a pair.”
It’s simply because I don’t have any good pictures of LPP and me that are worth displaying. I mean sure we have the cell phone shots of us where LPP uses his orangutan-length arms to position the phone far away enough to eliminate most wrinkles and at an angle tilted enough to eliminate chin folds. But inevitably one of us ends up not liking how we look in that photo (usually LPP believe it or not), even though the other one of us (me) insists that the other one (LPP) looks perfectly adorable and “Please, LPP, can we use this one?” “No,” he will usually say, “I look like a dork.”
He says his eyes are too small.
One time we took a picture of ourselves at New Years. I will admit I was wearing a strapless dress that enhanced my cleavage a bit. But for whatever reason when we leaned in to each other for our self-cell phone-photo-shot I managed to lose part of the top of the dress exposing WAY more than I meant to. I didn’t have my stupid glasses on so when Little Pumpkin Pie showed me the photo afterwards I thought it was fine.
LPP then sent that photo to his parents and my parents. Let me explain that LPP’s parents are LOVELY, LOVELY people. They are church-going, gentle souls in their early 80’s who delight in gardening, going to church events and taking drives in their restored 1950 Ford. My parents are also just like that. HA!! Just kidding. My parents are happy hour-going, feisty personalities in their late 60’s who delight in LSU football games, dinner parties with friends and arguing over who is right. Since LPP’s parents don’t text, he sent the picture in an email. Since my parents do – he sent it in a text. The response from my Mother was almost instant, “Wow, I can’t send that picture to my friends. Can you send me a different one?”
I didn’t understand why Mom said that. Grabbing my glasses, I took a closer look at the picture. This is what I saw:
Yeah I know it looks like I’m not wearing anything. If you look closely over on the left you can see the top of the stupid dress. Even funnier is my cleavage – while fabulous – is not nearly that gigantic in real life. How it got all distorted like that I have no idea. The décolletage line is like 5 inches long! WTF?
Quickly I seized my phone to edit the photo and produced this more appropriate one:
MUCH LESS BOOBS.
But it was too late. The topless photo had already traveled through the maze of the interwebs plopping itself squarely into LPP’s parent’s email box.
His parents never said a word. I’m not sure what’s worse. My parents who the next day joked that I looked like a porn star – or LPP’s parents saying nothing at all.
Either way, I’m sticking with the professional shots for Facebook for now. Most of you post your wedding pictures on your cute little anniversary days saying things like “I married the one true love of my life on this day 15 years ago, I LOVE YOU HONEY!”
Well, not Mother Cusser. First of all, your sappiness in public makes me feel uncomfortable. Second of all, I don’t need to wait for an anniversary! There are a zillion wedding pics so I can probably go for two years without ever having to post a cell phone shot. We paid a pretty penny for them, they look good and I am guaranteed not to look like a porn star in front of LPP’s parents. Again.