<<< This was going to be MY glamor shots idea but she stole it. Enjoy your hot dog ride, bitch.
Where have I been? Oh you know. Traveling, working and stuff. I’m back now with no plans to travel at least until October. I had a lot of time to think, Cussers, and it's time I impart my wisdom and wit to you all. Or y'all.
Here are some recent observations, lessons and questions of mine:
1. I saw the coolest thing the other night. I was at a concert and was standing next to two guys who were clearly together. One wanted to go get a drink. He hugged his boyfriend and gave him a quick kiss and walked away. The thing that was cool about this was that they were SO FREE TO DO SO. No one noticed. They didn’t look around fearfully before expressing affection. They just did a quick, “Okay, baby get me a beer too,” thing. I loved it for them. I loved it for all the gays. I know there’s still a long way to go. But that moment was special.
2. So if a guy comes home drunk and slurring and stinking of alcohol and crawls all over his girl trying to get her to rock his world – she’s horrified and tells him to get away. NOT SEXY. But if a girl comes home drunk, slurring and stinking of alcohol and she tries to get her man to rock her world – it’s a turn on. Guys are gross. Question – how does this work in gay couples?
3. Speaking of world rocking…we have this cat that is SO lazy that no matter what’s going on in the bed – you know like “watching tv” or “reading a book” – he never moves. That TV show could be so exciting that the pillows, sheets and comforter end up on the ceiling. That cat doesn’t move a muscle. We call him Sex Cat.
Sex Cat in his natural habitat. Mrrrow.
4. Two of my best friends from HS got married and their last names are now Bone and Wood.
5. Overheard in the car the other day:
Lawyer: You can do anything you want if you have enough money.
Secret Service: No you can’t. You can’t fall into hot lava and survive.
6. Hot dogs look rude to me.
7. Changing my name is a pain in the ass. You think all you have to do is get a new license and switch it over on Facebook. But then you get that and then you realize you have to change your bank account. Then your credit card. Then your Southwest Rewards account. Don’t forget all your damn bills. Your mortgage. Your email addresses. And your profiles on every place on the web where you’ve bought something. Did you notify the school? Don’t forget when you get new tires, get oil changed or get your car’s recalls taken care of to remember to CHANGE YOUR FRIGGIN’ NAME.
8. Never try anything new. I love wine. And I know what I like. I wanted a bottle last night. Stupidly, I listened to someone else and got a bottle that I hated. I also go to the same restaurant a lot and always order the same thing. The other day, I did not. The meal I ordered was a huge disappointment. Never try anything new, Cussers. It’s not worth it.
9. My dogs were separated for over a week this month while we were traveling. They were so excited to see each other and so excited to have us all back home. Apollo, our Leopard Gecko, expressed nothing. He’s a dick.
10. No matter how grown up you are? Life is still just like high school. Which means my friend Holly is still a slut.