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Nobody is perfect...except Mother Cusser.

Nobody is perfect...except Mother Cusser.

And Miley Cyrus. And the person who got this tattoo.

Author: Mother Cusser/Friday, August 30, 2013/Categories: Cussing, Tips to improve your life, Top Ten and Five Lists

<<Is that a back or front?


My Top Ten Flaws

I know that this must be very, very, very hard to believe – but Mother Cusser has flaws.  In an effort to get closer to you and encourage more stalking fans, I will share them with you.

1.    Every time I’m in a super great mood, I have a ridiculous urge to adopt an animal.  Currently, I have two cats, two dogs, a fish tank and a gecko.  So that would mean I have only been in a great mood a handful of times.  Not true. You see, when I’m a happy giddy Mother Cusser, I try really hard to resist the urge to adopt another animal.  If I actually was able to get a new creature every time I was grinning madly, I would own the Nashville Zoo. Today, I’m in the BEST MOOD. Just checked out the Nashville Humane Society website because – but for some reason I feel like adopting a pit bull.  Why does that seem like such a good idea? I don’t know.

2.    I have scars.  Like tons of them. Foot surgery.  Leg surgery.  Ear drum surgery.  Each scar comes with a story…a lesson learned in life.  HA! Just kidding. That’s stupid.  The point is I have a lot of scars and sometimes feel like a road map.

3.    Once when my kids and I all got sick with the stomach flu I made them eat cinnamon toast to get something in their stomachs after 39 hours of vomiting and otherwise.  The only problem was I grabbed salt instead of sugar and I hate cinnamon anything so I didn’t try it.  I was standing there insisting, “TAKE A BITE!  You NEED TO EAT SOMETHING!” while they sobbed and insisted that it was tasting funny.  Turns out,  I was forcing them to eat really salty toast sprinkled with cinnamon to settle their stomachs.  Mmmm.  Mother of the YEAR!

4.    Still thinking about the Pit Bull.  I want to name him something really scary.  Like Jaws.  Or Krueger. Or Batman.  And everyone will be intimidated and think "Mother Cusser has a scary, tough dog! I will avoid stalking her!" But really, those breeds are sweet dogs.  Good family dogs too.  But the general public doesn’t know that!  I would be fooling everyone!

5.    Once my oldest son was about 4, he was running around a fancy party deliberately falling down, like, every ten steps!  Well you better believe that Mother Cusser doesn’t put up with shenanigans.  After making a big deal and doing the time out thing and telling him the proper behavior for a fancy party, I realized I had put his shoes on the wrong feet.  Whoops. 

6.    Actually I have a kind of scary dog.  She is not nice to other dogs and likes to attack them if they are on leashes. But she doesn’t LOOK scary.  And her name is Annie.  Totally not what I’m going for here.  I need a pit bull.

7.    I cannot remember anyone’s birthday.  EVER.  I had to really work at remember my own children's birthdays.  It's so bad that my friend Holly and I have a tradition. Every year she sends me a birthday card on my actual birthday, March 25th. And every year I remember that she has a birthday, I think, and will sometimes tell her happy birthday in a text.  I’m a great friend.

8.    I regularly check over the boys’ math homework. And if I see issues, I have the kids fix them. And then either ExMan or LPP will glance at it after I have done this and there are ALWAYS mistakes.  Keep in mind my oldest is in fifth grade.  So that’s as hard as the math has gotten and I still mess it all up. ExMan is so nice about it. He just gently lets me know – “Uh, hey the math was wrong again…”

9.    I am not terribly neat.  

You should see my car.

10.    I LOVE FRIED CHEESE AND BACON. Not necessarily at the same time but that’s an awesome idea.  Am I the first to come up with that idea? Why have I never seen it on a menu at TGIFridays? Or Applebees? Or Ruby Tuesdays??  Instead I have to get the southwestern oriental pizza sticks.  Just keep it simple!  Fried cheese and bacon.  USA! USA! USA!

Off to adopt the perfect dog!!

Number of views (5408)/Comments (3)

3 comments on article "Nobody is perfect...except Mother Cusser."


Thomas Horton

9/3/2013 3:47 PM

Funny stuff!


Mother Cusser

9/3/2013 7:13 PM

Thank you Thomas. Once again, I appreciate the whole "not kidnapping" thing we discussed on facebook. I don't care how handsome you are - it would still be inappropriate to stalk and/or kidnap me.



9/17/2013 5:32 PM

You're hilarious. Thank you!

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