<<This symbol to me is like a cross to a vampire

 

 

 

Today my website, www.mothercusser.com, was rejected by Google Adsense, for, according to Google, “sensitive content.”  Lemme back up - you have to understand why I’m looking for advertising for the blog to begin with.  Because there are so many of you coming to the site, particularly the Miley blog, my site crashed the shared server and took down 58 other businesses it was sharing the server with. 

 Mother Cusser isn’t very good at sharing.

So we moved it to a dedicated server. That costs me $300 a month.  I have four kids and like 289 pets. And a house. And a car.  That’s a ton of money for me.  So I looked to Google Adsense for support.  And was promptly rejected.  
Therefore, I have decided to write a blog post that is more appropriate for Google’s Adsense bots (wtf is a bot. I love the word bot.  Fun Fact: My oldest son’s first word was bot.  Bot bot bot).   I’ll leave certain words out – and let you fill in the blanks – it’s the first Mother Cusser MadLib.

A day in the life of Mother Cusser.

I woke up this morning and my ________ head was killing me.  I guess I’d had too much non-alcoholic wine last night and it had caught up with me.  I stretched leisurely and pointed my toes for a little bit too long and got a leg cramp!  _________!  I quickly jumped out of bed to stretch my _______ calf muscle.  I moved so awkwardly that I accidently frightened ____ Cat (see blog for reference) and he spazzed out and flew high into the air and right back down onto LPP’s ____.  _________! said LPP.  
“Sorry, LPP,” I said, “_____ leg cramp.”  As my leg calmed the ________ down, I reached over to grab my phone to check the time.  _____! I was a half hour late getting up.  “We’re late!” I yelled, prying _____ Cat off of LPP’s ______ and hurling the cat to the floor.  “I’ll get the kids, you start the coffee!” 

I ran out the bedroom door, stepping on the _________ cat on my way out and running promptly into one of my ___________ dogs and falling on him.  LPP was right on my tail, saying “I think you just broke the cat.”  I looked back at him as I extracted myself from the _________dog and reminded him, “That’s okay! We have another one!”

I stood in the middle of the hall and stated: “BOYS. GET UP. I WILL ONLY SAY THIS ONE TIME.  IF YOU MISS THE BUS, YOU WILL WALK OR RIDE YOUR BIKE. IF YOU MISS BREAKFAST, YOU WILL FORAGE FOR FOOD ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL.  PACK YOUR AIR SOFT GUNS JUST IN CASE YOU NEED TO HUNT SOMETHING. BUT DON’T SHOOT BUNNIES BECAUSE THEY ARE CUTE.”
FORTUNATELY, wait, sorry, my________, caps lock was on.  Fortunately, the boys heard the sense of urgency in my voice and responded immediately.  HA HA.  No they didn’t. 

I ran to the kitchen and threw some bacon in a ______ pan and turned the stove on.  Boys always respond to bacon smells (don’t we all?).  Down they came one by one shuffling and rubbing their eyes.  Suddenly, the ________bacon made a loud popping noise!  “___________,” I said as I wiped the nasty little grease spit off of my arm.  “Mom, you shouldn’t say those words,” said my oldest.  “Oh now, you know I never say such words,” I replied. “Google AdSense would reject my application if I did!” 

As the kids ran out the door to the bus I sat down to my computer to check the blog.  “_____ _______,” I said. “What?” replied LPP.  “We just hit over 700,000 page views for the Miley blog!”  “_____ _____!” said LPP.  “Let’s get Google Adsense so we can support this _________blog and you can keep pursuing your life-long dream of being a humor writer and get noticed for being pretty AND funny for once and maybe we can pay the $2500 to replace your entire back door on your ________ FJ Cruiser from when you backed into a __________telephone pole last week!”

_____! He was right!  Google Adsense would make it all better!  Google Adsense would save the day!  Google Adsense was the key to my dreams coming true! All I had to do was confirm that they put some ________change in my bank account to prove that it was a real account. I checked the account.  Google had placed 70 fantastic cents in it. This was it!  I clicked confirm and waited anxiously for my notice that the ads would be gloriously turned on for me. 

Instead, I got this beauty:

Hello,
As mentioned in our welcome email, we conduct a second review of your AdSense application once AdSense code is placed on your site(s). As a result of this review, we have disapproved your account for the following violation(s):
Issues:
- Sensitive content

____________!  ___________!  ___! ____ _ _ __________!  Thanks for nothing GOOGLE you _______ _______, ________ ______ _ __ ______!

Guess I’ll have to find some ________ companies and get them to advertise on my site.  My fans are definitely the type that enjoys _______ and companies that provide the right ___________ materials to enjoy ______.  I'll make zillions.