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Halloween will set you on fire!

Halloween will set you on fire!

Safety experts offer tips to keep you safe this Halloween. Mother Cusser makes fun of them.

Author: Mother Cusser/Tuesday, October 29, 2013/Categories: Cussing, Funny, funny, funny, Top Ten and Five Lists

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Mother Cusser’s Guide to Safety on Halloween.

Hi Folks.  I read this really helpful article that provided some guidance on how to manage Halloween this year for you and the kiddos. It made me so mad that instead of writing my own guide for Halloween safety, I wanted to just go ahead and make fun of this one to teach you weirdo parents a lesson on COMMON SENSE.

The really super safe article states:

As kids prepare to put on their costumes and roam from house to house Thursday, parents and neighbors should keep in mind that their presence on the road and around homes requires additional caution.

Travelers.com, an insurance provider, recently released the following five tips on how to stay safe during Halloween and keep the holiday trick-free.

MC Common Sense Response: Do we need to get our kids Halloween insurance now?  We have health, dental, eye, life, home, car, business insurance.  Now I think Travelers.com needs to add Halloween insurance, for idiots who can’t figure out how to walk around their neighborhoods without getting run over by cars. 

Here are the actual tips:

1.    Be Smart About Decorations Placement

Do not overload electrical outlets when plugging in your scary indoor décor, especially the older decorations.

"We like to focus on and recognize decorations on many different holidays," senior property specialist Jim Gustin said on website Travelers Risk Control, citing a National Fire Prevention Association statistic that estimates decorations were the item first ignited in an average of 1,000 reported home structure fires per year between 2006 and 2010.

When it comes to setting up outdoor decorations, follow manufacturer instructions to help avoid unexpected damage to your home or guests.

MCCSR:  Best part is the last line.  Yes, please do not set fire to your guests.
I’m confused by these statistics as well.  Senior property specialist Jim Gustin said “recognize decorations on many different holidays.”  So is he talking about ALL holidays when he refers to the 1,000 “home structure fires”??  Or just Halloween?  And what are “home structures”?  Trailers? Sheds?  Tents?  Per usual, a nice set of shady bullcrap stats designed to make you paranoid about your light up Freddy Krueger guy being plugged into the same outlet as the spooky music cauldron.   Honestly, if you’re that stupid that you wouldn’t use a power strip then your tent guests deserve to catch on fire. And so do you.

2.    Set Up Spooky Candles With Care


"We recommend whenever possible that folks use battery-operated candles," Gustin said. "If they are going to use candles inside of Jack-o'-Lanterns, make sure they are away from curtains, trees or combustible decorations." Also keep in mind how easily these spooky candles can be knocked over by a pet, guest or child, he told ABC News. It's always helpful to keep a multipurpose fire extinguisher accessible, filled and ready for operation.

MCCSR:  So now your guest is on fire and he’s gone and kicked over the pumpkin that you careleslly placed near curtains, trees and combustible decorations.  Man, your friends are jerks.  Also, I don’t know about you, but I also tend to keep my spooky candles as close to the floor as possible in case my dogs or kids want to join my guests and get set on fire.  Never mind your combustible decorations – you really should consider throwing out your guests, kids and pets.  They seem to LIKE being on fire!

3.    Make Sure Your Doorway Is Safe for Trick-or-Treaters

Don't "trick" Halloween-goers when they knock on your door this year. Check for damage to your roof and clean gutters and downspouts to keep debris from accumulating.

"We in the risk-control department are all about keeping people safe, whether it's from wires or preventing slips, trips and or falls," Gustin said. "Make sure that driveways and walkways are cleaned up and well maintained. Also lighting at transitions between the driveway and the walkway can prevent a potentially dangerous situation where someone could slip."

MCCSR:  HA!  Cute use of the word “trick”!  GET IT???  How about don’t TRICK me into thinking that if my downspouts have debris in them that people will fall in my driveway.  Additionally, I also believe that I could light up my entire driveway and front walk but I’m really not sure how that will stop the debris in my downspout from setting fire to my guests.  

Yep. Looks like a recipe for setting people on fire on Halloween to me!


4.    Pay Close Attention When Driving

More than twice as many children are killed in pedestrian-car accidents on Halloween between the hours of 4 p.m. and 10 p.m., compared with the same hours on other days throughout the year, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Eliminate any distractions you might have and keep your eye on the road for any Halloween activity and trick-or-treaters, Travelers.com advises.

MCCSR: When were these stats recorded?  Because I bet if we updated them we would discover that “more than twice as many drunk parents are killed in pedestrian-car accidents on Halloween” because there are WAY more parents out there than children.  And every single one of them is drinking, not wearing reflective clothing, and not looking both ways when they cross the street.  They say: “Eliminate any distractions you might have.”  In other words, you’re on fire.

5.    Be a Safe Pedestrian

Like drivers, it's important to stay alert and pay attention when walking from house to house with trick-or-treaters, Travelers.com recommends. "We want to stress to folks as they or their children are out walking on Halloween that they need to pay attention, have a flashlight and have reflective clothing," Gustin said. "If people don't have their lights on, don't approach those homes because it has the potential to be a more dangerous situation."

MCCSR: Wait I’m confused.  They started saying you have to be safe walking and ended with the- don’t approach homes where there are no lights on – because this “has the potential to be a more dangerous situation.”  So my house/shed/tent is dangerous. My combustible decorations are too.  The road full of distractions is dangerous.  Other people who simply do not like to celebrate Halloween are dangerous. Does anyone get to take responsibility here??  IT’S EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ELSE’S FAULT THAT MY GUESTS ARE ON FIRE.  Hey - at least you can see my driveway.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Love,
Mother Cusser

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