<< This is before photoshop.
This is AFTER photoshop.
So as a fun little Christmas present for my husband, Little Pumpkin Pie (LPP), I got a Groupon to do a sexy photo shoot where the deal is you get two 5x7s for a set price of only $50.
I went and did the shoot and then I wrote this blog
explaining to you what the experience was like for me and I also shared with you that the day before the shoot that I’d gone on a horseback trail ride and sustained hundreds of chigger bites all over my back, booty and legs.
I looked like I had localized chicken pox. Mmmm. Sexy, right?
So after the shoot I scheduled a “viewing,” where a sales representative of the slutty photo place uses Go to Meeting (an application I use quite often with my clients btw. Very strange to use it for this) and shows you like, dunno, 19738 pictures of you from the shoot that are NOT YET PHOTOSHOPPED. I invited LPP to this with me because this was a gift for him and he actually has really good taste and I wanted him to get what he wanted.
Let me repeat that. I INVITED MY HUSBAND TO VIEW “SEXY” PICS OF ME THAT HAD NOT BEEN PHOTOSHOPPED. WHERE PARTS OF ME APPEAR AS IF I GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH TEN MILLION MOSQUITOS AND LOST.
This is a big deal to me. I know that husbands see us at our worst and technically still love us. But I’m the kind of wife who doesn’t pee with the door open. I don’t just let loose a fart bomb and say “WHEW! BEANS!” I don’t always have full on make up – but I do make effort to have a little lip stick on and clothes that look cute, even if it’s just yoga pants and a t-shirt. I try to keep at least some of the mystique going here. I like to say that I put the “girl” in “cowgirl.” I get dirty and play hard, but that doesn’t mean I need to be a man about it.
So I was nervous about losing some of the mystery here.
We sit down for the viewing. LPP is literally bouncing up and down. He has a notebook and pen so he can write down the numbers of his favorites. He is truly like a kid in a candy store. This makes me smile. But doesn’t stop me from feeling ridiculous for actually sitting down for an hour to look at pictures of myself.
This is an artist rendering of LPP's actual expression.
The photos come up on the screen. They are organized by outfit. His shirt, jean shorts and top (sometimes), bikini and then lingerie. LPP’s head pops off. He’s giddy. We go page to page looking at the various poses. They actually look pretty good. I can’t see the chigger bites that well and these photographers know just how to position the shot so that you don’t look like a beached whale.
Then we get to the bikini shots.
In one tenth of a second of a glance I can see that these are EPIC FAILS. I put my hand on the screen and tell him “GO.” He protests. I look at him with a look that says, “If you value your life, you will go.” He heaves a big irritated sigh and goes.
I’m not sure what it is about the bikini pictures that turned out so horrible. The lighting? The fact that I’ve lost my summer tan? The poses? Cellulite? A combo of all of these things… and CHIGGER BITES. I could count them and I wasn’t even wearing my glasses. Each picture was worse than the first. My butt stuck out, my hair looked dumb, the bites on the backs of my legs looked like constellations, not to mention the bites all over my lower back. I had thought this might happen! Good thing I sent him away! Mystique almost ruined!! I told the rep to KILL those immediately.
She did. And LPP was allowed to return. I asked him to select his two photos, per the package.
But I was met with, “Only two?? When are you ever going to do this again?” I looked at him and was about to tell him that it can get a little pricey, we don’t need more than two and it was hard enough for me to sit there and stare at shots of myself for an hour – can we please just end this and decide?? But when I looked at him pouring over the shots, looking at the numbers on his list and trying so hard to decide which ones to cut and which ones to keep, I saw a guy who was TRULY excited about this process and these shots. I saw pictures that made me think, “Not bad.” But he looked at them and thought “SHE IS AMAZING.” I suddenly realized that he probably could have even looked at the flawed bikini pictures and probably would have loved them. Because I’m not perfect and he sees that every day and still likes it.
This whole experience allowed me to step outside myself and actually see him seeing me. And when I saw how much he likes seeing me – with no photoshopping, chigger bites and all- I was really blown away. What began for me as a rather detached exercise in sexy turned out to be a genuine demonstration of love.
How many pictures did he get? I’m not telling. Maybe 2. Maybe more.
But what I got was way better.
PS – BEFORE YOU PERVY FANS ASK, NO I WILL NOT BE POSTING ANY OF THE PICS. YOU WANT TO SEE SEXY CHIGGER BITES? GOOGLE IT. YOU WEIRDOS.