Top ten reasons why it’s stupid to own pets.
10. You have to name them. If you have two cats like I do and you name them both “kitty,” then when you call “kitty, kitty, kitty,” expecting the gray one to come, the stupid striped one will come too. Dumb cats.
9. They drool. Or at least my cats drool. Every morning I wake up and think “Why is my right arm sweaty? Did I fall asleep with a full glass of wine in my hand again?” Imagine how gross it is to learn that it was just one of the cats making sweet, sweet - kneading and purring - love to my comforter where my innocent arm is laying. My cats can’t just make sweet love to a blanket without pools of drool coming out of their faces. It’s especially awesome when they shake their heads and drool flies out from the sides. And by awesome I mean horrifying.
8. They don’t kill anything. My cats were hired to kill mice in the garage and voles (or moles, what’s the difference?) in the front yard. Instead, the mice party all night long in the cats’ food bowls while the cats sleep sitting up as they wait stupidly for their turn to eat. It’s only after the mice begin their walk of shame that the cats wake up briefly to eat and then return to sleeping upright.
7. Fish are boring and they swim in their poo.
6. Frogs act dead. We have these cool little African frogs in our fish tank. I like them because they look like what I envisioned an adult sea monkey would look like based on those pictures on thesea monkey packages. But they don’t come out very often and I’m constantly thinking they are dead which stresses me out and causes me to dig around in the tank to find that they were just snoozing under the sponge bob pineapple tank accoutrement that my kids picked out. WET ARM AGAIN.
Playing dead for the last time.
5. Dogs do not protect you. Where on earth did this stupid notion come from? An entire team of serial killers could waltz in here right now and my dogs would probably chase the cats that got up because they heard the door open when the killers came in. I should probably lock my door.
4. Crickets are high maintenance. I have a leopard gecko. He’s cool because he lives in a cage and doesn’t drool on me when I sleep. Fun fact: He eats live crickets. And unlike dogs, cats and fish – you can’t just buy a bag of live cricket food that lasts about 6 weeks and then head back to the store for a new bag. Oh no. You are required to FEED the FOOD. Or the damn things die and stink even worse than they already do. Who knew that grouped together, crickets smell worse than a hooker on a hot day. I have to feed them calcium fortified food (because geckos are calcium deficient. Dumb) and special water that resembles jello because they will drown in real water. I haven’t experimented with real water yet, but I want to.
3. I asked Pumpkin Pie what annoys him about animals – he said “They stare at you in the face when you’re eating your dinner.” Hahahaha. Poor Little Pumpkin Pie he didn’t have animals for like his whole life until he met me. And I have way too many animals.
2. Taking them to the dog park is a nightmare. The dog park is overrun with “Dog People.” These are the people that only have dogs and no kids or they actually have kids but they like their dogs more. “Fido is actually short for Fidoliaus. He’s a champion born of Queen Amidala of the East and the Earl of Breckenrdige. He knows commands in German, French and Mandarin Chinese! Watch this 取棒的男孩 ! Impressive huh? Yes that’s my son being chased by an angry pit -bull -rotweiller - german shepard mix. Dodge and weave Billy!”
1. The number one reason owning pets is stupid is when you let them outside in the hopes that they’ll run away – they always come back in. Especially when it’s cold.