Instead of doing boring things like "flying," this turkey watched all 5 seasons of "Breaking Bad" and all 4 seasons of "Arrested Development" before this scary lady killed him.
So like I was saying, this is the time of year we give thanks for last year’s harvest by decimating it – because everyone knows nothing says “thanks for the blessing” like gorging on it. I think I could carry this tradition to other things too. I’m thankful for wine. GORGE. Oooh, you know what else? Chocolate. GORGE. And let us not forget what we should all be truly thankful for – Fritos and bean dip. GORGE. I’m also thankful for my husband LPP
, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge, nudge.
And then we have one more big holiday coming right up after Thanksgiving. That’s right, BLACK FRIDAY. A fan of mine summed this day up perfectly. “The day after I am giving thanks for what I have - I'm supposed to act like a douchebag to get more stuff?” Well fan, you’re actually just giving thanks for the blessing of last year’s harvest! So go ahead and get yourself up at 4am to get over to Walmart and be the best douchebag you can be!
You know, whatever the reason we get together on Thanksgiving doesn’t necessarily matter. As long as we’re together in a house long enough to get on each other’s nerves, right? RIGHT.
This year I’m thankful for like a zillion things of which, here are ten in no particular order:
1. Miley Cyrus
– her routine gave me access to almost a million people, worldwide. Especially Canada. Mother Cusser is to Canada as David Hasselhoff is to Germany.
2. My fans – even the super nice, Canadian ones. My fans are good looking and funny. Just like me. They make me proud and are loyal as hell.
3. ADHD – it can be a pain, but the HD part has allowed me to work full time, write this hilarious blog, be a kick ass parent to four boys, be a sexy wife who sometimes cooks, and still have the time to drink wine.
4. My boys – sure, people cringe when they see a loud family of 6 and 4 of them are male and under the age of 11. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And sometimes, people smile too.
5. My advertisers – with you, I can keep going.
6. My ex – he’s a good Dad and a good guy.
7. All the Grandparents – These people have accepted a blended family with open arms and treat all of the grandkids as if they’ve been in their lives from birth.
8. All the family members too – warm welcomes from them to this new family all around. I couldn’t be luckier.
9. My friends – thanks for supporting me with this blog, for laughing when I make jokes at your expense, and forcing me to sing at your weddings.
10. Last and certainly not least- thank you to the love of my life, LPP, who built this site for me, helps me every day to come up with ideas for it, takes it personally when haters appear and are mean to me, and is honest with me when my ideas are terrible. I would not have been able to get this far without you.
Honestly though, my ideas are rarely terrible. Bet you knew I was going to say that, didn’t you?
Happy Big Fat American Turkey Day.