Welcome to my weekly column, From Miley to Mercy – one writer’s look at how our horrible parenting is ensuring that most children will still be called children at the age of 30 because they will still be living in their parent’s homes. 

Mother Cusser Nutritional Pop Quiz:  

Flamin’ Hot Spicy Cheetos are: 

a. Good eatin’
b. Real food
c. Definitely something I would encourage my 12 year old to eat, in fact, I will allow him to eat approximately 20 to 30 bags a month.  So much so that he has to go to the ER because of severe stomach pain.
d. That Chester Cheetah is a gas!

If you answered any of these – then you’re a real American.   A real, big fat American.  With stomach aches.

A wonderful fan sent me this article wherein it discusses how the spicy coating on snacks like Cheetos is not good for you.  And when kids eat them it changes the ph balance in the stomach, causing severe pain.   So they have to go to the emergency room.

Wait, what?  

Are you seriously telling me that the spicy coating on Cheetos is what is bad for you???  WHAT ABOUT THE CHEETO???  WHAT EXACTLY IS A CHEETO?  

In this stupid article a real doctor actually says, “"In the past, I had not seen any problems with snack food until spicy flavoring became more popular.” 

WRONG.  There is a huge problem with snack food, doc.  For one, stop calling it “snack food,” it’s NOT FOOD.  And that means it’s something artificial -  or total garbage. And that means the problem is our kids are eating garbage constantly – whether it’s spicy or not. I guarantee you that kids get stomach aches from eating trash, even if it’s not spicy.  

A Cheeto without spicy coating is still a Cheeto.  

And again, I ask you, WHAT EXACTLY IS A CHEETO.

Cat turds on fire? Or Flamin' Hot Cheetos?  Answer: Both

Kids are fat.  They are. I’m sorry if you don’t want me to say that. I know you’re sensitive about it and it makes me sound mean. TOUGH.  Because seeing an elementary school boy with breasts is wrong.  And allowing him access to Cheetos is why he has them. He doesn’t go to the store.  YOU DO. If you didn’t have it, he wouldn’t eat it.  He might complain about that. But you should tell him that when he has a job that he can buy as many bags of spicy Cheetos that he can afford. He can fill his house with them for all you care.   But you’re his parent and you love him and you don’t want him to wear a bra at age 9.  

The article goes on to say: “Glatter recommends that parents keep an eye on their children so they don't overdose on spicy snacks, and stick to vegetables and other healthy snacks instead. "Parents should be aware of this. These products are not healthy and some children seem to become addicted," said Glatter.

If you aren’t aware of the fact that Cheetos are bad and vegetables are good, I want you to go into your kitchen.  Pull out a frying pan. AND SMACK YOURSELF OVER THE HEAD TEN TIMES.  You idiot. 

Your children shouldn’t have the opportunity to “overdose on spicy snacks” to begin with.  Why do I have to tell you this?  Why don’t you know better?  Your son should not have breasts.  Ever. Your daughter should – but not in 2nd grade.  Set your kids up for success by depriving them of junk food and providing them REAL food.   

A really wise and beautiful (and funny) woman once said:

Just think of it this way.  You put the right gas in your car so it will run well.  You put the wrong kind of gas in and what happens? 

Exactly.  Your car gets fat. 

Wait, I mean it runs poorly or not at all.  Give your kids healthy gas. Wait, don’t give them gas.  Give them healthy food that will give them gas.  Yes, that’s it.

Give your kids healthy food that will give them gas.  You can quote me on that.