So I put this blog together and as I wrote my “About me” section and also the “Pumpkin Pie” blog and any other mentions of Pumpkin Pie, I realized that I haven’t really told many people what’s been going on with me lately!
Here’s how I figured that out. Since I shared this blog with you Cussers, I have gotten a few not-so-pleased emails from folks complaining that:
1. I didn’t know you were divorced and
2. I didn’t know you were remarried
One email said “YOU’RE FUCKING MARRIED?” And another one said “DID YOU GET REMARRIED and not tell me?” And yet another “Wow, I had no idea…” Evidently, my friends like to use caps and ellipses to dramatically point out that I am a shitty friend.
And you know what? It’s true. I am both divorced AND a shitty friend. So in order to catch all of you up on my private life, let me answer the following questions so that you will get all your info direct from Mother Cusser and not have to EMAIL ME…
1. You’re divorced? What the fuck?
2. What happened? How is ExMan doing?
Answer: We got a divorce. ExMan is doing well and is in a happy relationship, just like me. We get along quite well as long as we don’t discuss money.
This is only if we discuss money.
3. How are the kids?
Answer: The kids are great. We didn’t do the divorce like they did it back in the 80s or like on Maury Povich. The boys don’t even think about it anymore. They act just like regular kids by complaining about all the same stuff children from married homes complain about. “There’s nothing to do,” and “There’s NOTHING TO DO.”
4. You’re REMARRIED? WHAT THE FUCK?
Answer: No. Not yet. I didn’t feel like saying in the About Me section that I’m engaged and then have to go back and change it after I got married. I am inherently lazy.
5. Why didn’t you tell me?
Answer: Because I didn’t want to. Do you tell me everything? Wait, you probably do. That’s okay, because I’m the Mother Cusser. Come here little Cussers and tell Mother all about it.
What can I say? Even though I have a blog, I’m actually a very private person. I don’t tell much of anything private to anyone. I will probably not announce a damn thing on Facebook. I’m not the kind of person who will change my marital status from Looking for Men to Found One. I don’t even have a marital status on there. Who needs 9000 people saying “YOU’RE FUCKING DIVORCED AND REMARRIED? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?”
But that happened anyway. I guess I just thought I could fly under the radar with that whole thing. As if you’re not going to notice Little Pumpkin Pie doesn’t resemble ExMan. And of course you’re going to ask me what the hell has been going on lately, because it’s different than what you expected and change scares you. There, there, little Cusser. All is well. It wasn’t an easy road and for the first time since High School I got down to a size 2 but life is good. Everyone is better after going through it and we all have long, productive lives to still lead.
So – we good now? You feel better? I let you in a little. We bonded. I feel so much closer to you now and feel like I can tell you anything. Best friends forever.
So sorry, baby. Take me back?
Now I need to go write about more important issues like how I never wear matching socks and for the life of me can’t figure out why you think that’s an important item to match if NO ONE CAN SEE THEM…
I googled images of divorce. Is this not the worst graphic design job you have ever seen?