Author: Mother Cusser/Thursday, January 2, 2014/Categories: Cussing, DIVORCE...
Anyone remember that cartoon, Cathy? That was me today at Costco.
You see, when I went to purchase my triple milks, triple ground beef, triple chicken, toilet paper and paper towels for a million hands and butts and various other enormous food stuffs my membership card didn’t work. The guy swiped it and it said “inactive.”
He handed it to a woman who said to me, “Are you the primary name on the account?”
I think so? I said. I had no idea. I have been going to Costco since college so it could be my actual name on the card.
She scanned it and shook her head. “Oh no,” she said gravely, “You are definitely not the main name on the account.”
It dawned on me that I must have been on ExMan’s account. So I told them that it was probably my ex-husband’s account and I should probably get a new card. I was fine with that. Should have my own anyway so I can get the credit for the purchases. No big deal. I looked at them waiting for the next step.
The girl responded, “Yeah he totally nixed you off the account. Man.” She said this as if I was in tears over the announcement that my card had been rendered inactive. The guy followed with another doozy saying, “What a jerk.” They invited yet another guy to the cash register to twist some key in it so that I could still purchase my 192 ounces of roasted red pepper and tomato soup. The first guy looks to the guy with the key and says, “Ex-husband problems!! Her ex kicked her off the account! Can you believe that?”
The guy with the key looked sadly at me. “I wouldn’t know about that,” he said, as he turned to walk away.
"Ack!" I squeaked out. Is it hot in here?
The register guy began scanning my package of 6 toothpastes and 8 dental floss’.
The girl kept it going. “I’ll tell you I’ve had to do that to a couple of my ex-boyfriends,” she said as she began taking my impulse buy of 60 teriyaki pineapple meatballs and 32oz of peppermint bark and putting them into the box next to the other impulse buy I’d gotten of two packs of anti-aging moisturizers.
I noticed that now the line of people behind me were now intently listening to this conversation while simultaneously feeling sorry for me. It had been at least 10 minutes by now and not one of them was being impatient or frustrated.
It was so hot. I wriggled in my heavy coat trying to get some air. I tried to save myself by saying loudly, “To be honest, he probably told me he was taking me off the account." I was going to go on to say that I’d probably just forgotten that we talked about it and that there was really nothing to worry about. I’m fine.
But I was interrupted.
“But you didn’t listen right?” said the register guy with an oh-no-you-didn’t chin swivel. “Yeah!” said the girl with a talk-to-the-hand movement. “Cuz he’s not your problem anymore!”
I gave up and went with it. “You’re right about that!” I said. “He thinks I’m going to listen to him when he talks about whatever it is he wants to talk about?” I put my finger up and shook it for emphasis.
“Wrong. I’m getting my own Costco membership now so I can get credit for the purchases of things like 2.5 pounds of coffee and 1000 Splenda packets!”
They were thrilled. The register guy gave me a high five. “Now that’s what I wanted to hear!” he said. The line of people gave me a look like, “Atta girl! Way to stick it to him.” I also got a few, “be strong” and “I’m praying for you” type looks as well.
I took a deep breath and groaned as I slowly lurched my cart forward. I realize that this made me look even more pitiful with no man to help me with it.
So I did what Cathy would do.
I pulled over to the side, reached into my cart and grabbed out the peppermint bark and began munching on it as I sweated in my winter coat.
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