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The Goatee.

The Goatee.

The Fat Man's Spanx.

Author: Mother Cusser/Wednesday, April 23, 2014/Categories: Cussing

<< I know what would make him look thinner!  A goatee!

Today I’m going to offend 80 percent of the male population between the ages of 25 and 45.  

I don’t really want to do this – but feel compelled to.  As my Mother used to say, “I have something to tell you, and you’re not going to like it, but as your Mother I need to tell you that…” and that was usually followed with something awesome and horrible like, “when you don’t hold your shoulders back your stomach and your butt stick out really far.  I noticed it when you were on stage at the school play.”  

That embarrassing and distressing message - and my subsequent effort to always stand straight after receiving that message - is the reason that I hear on a regular basis that people think I’m a few inches taller than I am.  I’m 5’5.  And people will be standing right next to me and will say, “Well you’re tall.  About 5’8?”  I love that!

So shout out to Mother Cusser’s Mother for delivering the often uncomfortable and unwanted messages that I so needed to hear.  Because of you – people think I’m tall.

And I’m now about to deliver one to you, men between the ages of 25 and 45.  My only hope is that you will benefit from my message as I benefitted from my Mother’s message so long ago.

Men, women are all too familiar with the concept that as we age our metabolisms slow down. If we continue to eat like we did in college – we get fat.  Women get fat in lots of places. Bellies. Legs.  Arms. Faces.  All over the place.  When this weight gain happens we try different outfits to minimize the weight gain, we join weight loss groups, we work out, eat better, cut out wine (haha. Just kidding), we grow our hair out, we cut it short, we go brunette then back to blonde, we get new lipstick, we do whatever we can to hide the chub and stay on top of our looks.  

Men, however, do not.  

When men get fat, they get the huge pregnant belly and the fat face.  So what’s their secret to manage weight gain?  

They grow a goatee.  

That’s it.  

Think for a minute of all the goatee owners you know.  Are they getting a little chubby in the belly?  TIME TO GROW A GOATEE! Gotta at least hide the double chin, right?? Pass the French fries.  I’m hungry. 

Guys, I have something to tell you that you’re not going to like, but as your Mother I need to tell you that your goatee isn’t making your face less fat. It’s just hair on your face that has fat beneath it.  It’s a double chin snuggie and it doesn’t make your face look thinner.  It just looks hairier.  Stupid Duck Dynasty is a great example of guys who were good looking, got fat and had the genius idea to grow a beard down to their belly buttons to hide it.  I AM NOT FOOLED! I KNOW THERE IS A BEER BELLY UNDER THAT HAIR WATERFALL.

Personally, I cannot stand facial hair. I realize that not everyone has my preference for a smooth face and I respect those who like kissing and having the skin on their faces rubbed off with sandpaper. I realize that you don’t mind looking at the remnants of corn-on-the-cob hanging carelessly to the ends of his fat fleece.  That’s what you like and you will still like it after reading this blog, thank you very much!  But you see, I’m not talking to you.

I’m talking to men.  

Guys listen.  I know it’s not easy to deal with weight gain.  I’m a GIRL.  We start dieting in the womb.  If anyone understands how sucky it is to put on weight, it’s us.

But it’s time to lose the chin turtleneck.  It doesn’t make you skinnier.  If hair made you look skinnier women would have made full body hair suits the newest fashion.  

After publishing this blog, I’m dreading seeing all of the men I know who have goatees.  But I’m doing this for your own good.  I’m also doing it for my own good. Because I have to look at you. And you’re not fooling me.  

Try a new look this year.  Get rid of the face pelt.  Go for a run and eat some green beans.  And for God’s sake – stand up straight.

Number of views (21450)/Comments (6)

6 comments on article "The Goatee. "



4/23/2014 1:24 PM

Haaaaaa! This is hysterical and so true!! I never thought of that before. Chubby men do have goatees! Hopefully the men won't take it personally, but maybe they should! Ha! Mother, you are so talented with your writings. Hopefully your mother has told you when it is a "mother" comment that you are creative !! :)



4/23/2014 1:26 PM

Fat faced fools

Favor fuzzy facades

Fooling firstly friends



4/23/2014 2:19 PM

Chin snuggie! The best description ever!!!


Wendy reyes

4/23/2014 2:26 PM

Hysterical. The example of what your Mom told you made me laugh out loud.




4/23/2014 8:50 PM

YOU are a funny funny lady !! I roared when I read this. .. You are the BOMB, girl! !!



4/24/2014 6:29 AM

Since you are picking on facial hair AND calling me fat I am now going to start using that jet black Just for Men on my goatee even though my hair is brown. Just remember, YOU did this!

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