So this blog has a feature on it that tells me how many hits a blog has gotten. So this allows me the opportunity to analyze what has been the most popular post and gives me the chance to create more content like it so that you Cussers will keep coming back and enjoying great and hilarious writing.
Here’s the list in order of what was read the most:
1. Sorry I didn’t tell you I got divorced and subsequently engaged and remarried.
2. Want to be like Mother Cusser?
3. Top ten reasons owning pets is stupid.
You want personal? You want lists? You agree that pets are stupid?
For some, this next list might fall under the category of sexual harassment. But for Mother Cusser, for a period of time, this was a regular occurrence in the workplace. The following list is a compilation of actual situations that I have been in over the past few years since moving to Nashville – Home of the Southern Gentleman. *Please note that Orange and Blue were at the same company.*
1. There was an impending merger that I needed to know about. The boss was bringing me in to tell me the big secret:
Boss: Julie, I have something important to tell you. You cannot breathe a word of this to anyone, is that clear? This is a very serious situation.
Me: Got it.
Boss: Okay, here it is. I have a small penis. Hahahaha. Just kidding. Really, I’m just kidding. It’s not small. We’re being bought out by another company.
Me: (I ignored it) So we need a communications plan?
2. Upon discovering I was getting divorced. This was not a boss but the second in command:
Second in command: What’s your favorite drink?
SIC: Do you have your kids this weekend?
Me: (with great relief) YES!
SIC: Too bad. Was going to invite you over to swim in my pool.
Me: Isn’t that a little inappropriate?
SIC: What? No! Why would you say that? This is just a friendly invite. If you can’t make it, maybe we can go out for a cocktail sometime – I’d love to talk with you about your divorce and what you’re going through.
Me: Do you invite all coworkers to your house for swimming and drinks?
Me: Because when you invite the entire team of male VPs to your house for a pool party, then I will know that this is just a friendly, appropriate thing. But I have a feeling you won’t ever do that. So until then, I decline.
3. Boss talking to me about my contributions to meetings:
Boss: Julie, you’re a smart person with great ideas. In fact, you have great ideas faster than most people in the room. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. But no one likes a smart, pretty girl. So I’m going to challenge you by having you not speak in any meetings until the end and when you do finally speak, it’s just to sum up everyone else’s ideas.
Me: Okay. (That time I left the room and cried.)
4. Boss talking to me again because he said I interrupted my direct report VP.
Boss: What’s your job here?
Boss: No. Your job is to serve Kevin (my direct report VP). Every morning when you get here you should say to yourself “What can I do to serve Kevin? How can I make Kevin look good? If Kevin looks good, then you will look good, even if he gets all the credit for your ideas. Do you understand that? You exist to serve him.”
Me: Yes sir. (what was I supposed to do? Argue?)
5. Second in command during a photo shoot where I was getting shots for company materials.
Me: Hold still. I’m trying to get logo in the shot.
SIC: Hang on, I’m thinking dirty thoughts. Trying to not do that sort of smile.
Me: (puts camera down and just looks at him)
SIC: Hang on – still thinking dirty thoughts!
Me: You look stupid. Can we move on please?
SIC: Okay, ready.
I could actually do this.
6. Second in command during conversation about what kinds of signs to offer customers to increase sales.
SIC: How about a dancing Julie sign?
Me: (we were sitting at same table with blue boss, who as you remember instructed me not to speak during meetings. I said nothing).
You know what? As I’m writing this – I don’t want to go all the way to ten (but I could if I wanted to). It’s actually upsetting me to write this. Looking back at it makes me wish that I’d said or done more than what I did or said. I wish I’d been in position of power where I could have told them all to go to hell.
And in a way, maybe I did. Last June, I started my own firm that I run with LPP. He regularly sexually harasses me but he says that’s different because we’re engaged and therefore I deserve it. I’m just kidding! I do, however, sexually harass him for that exact reason though. A lot.
Personal and listy enough for you, Cussers? Oh by the way my f-ing cat peed on my bed. I hate him and all cats. So now we have all three in there! Let the page views begin!