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I hate going to the movies. Not because I don’t like movies.  But just because I hate sitting there in that cold, dark room and having to sit still.  And be quiet.  Because if it’s a bad movie, I will want to make fun of it and I can’t do that in a movie theater.

So I can honestly tell you I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday when LPP and I took our boys to see the third or fourth (who cares?) Transformers movie.  I didn’t know a thing about it – it was kind of a rainy day and the kids had been so good that I thought it would be a nice reward.  Plus, I figured there would be enough action to keep all of us entertained and the movie would move quickly.

I was horribly mistaken.  The movie, as I found out when the entire lower half of my body fell asleep from sitting too long, is TWO HOURS AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES.  Why on earth Michael Bay felt that we needed to be subjected to almost three hours of robots fighting is beyond me. Even the kids were asking us when the movie was going to be over.  Everyone got up at least once to use the bathroom.  I left at one point and ran a 5k, hit the grocery store and started a company. When I returned, there were still many robots fighting and no end in sight.

But this blog today is less about how stupidly long that movie was and more about what I saw in the movie that disturbed me. 

I would like to ask Michael Bay why he hates women. 

The female characters in this movie were nothing more than vapid, wimpy, whiny, hot chicks who served the men who were all in charge.  Are we not beyond this message yet? 

I was embarrassed that my sons were exposed to almost three hours of scantily dressed women who couldn’t speak for themselves, think for themselves or GOD FORBID fight for themselves.  I was upset when one of my sons asked me why women are always dressed in tight clothes in movies.  I was mortified as we watched scene after scene of women being total morons and hiding in stupid places like, I don’t know, under a table as HUMONGOUS robots played out WWE right next to them. 

How about the scene where a woman is too scared to cross a tightrope to escape the bad guy.  This is because it's high up on top of the buildings of Chicago.  So it is her awesome idea to return to the hostile alien ship from whence she came.  Yes, she chose to return to the HOSTILE, ALIEN SHIP that she had just escaped from as opposed to just crossing the rope to freedom.  As she backed up the rope, however, giant alien robot dogs appeared from the ship and began to walk the rope and approach her from behind.  The men in this scene told her, “Don’t turn around,” the idea being that if she did turn around and see the hulking, drooling robot canines that she couldn’t possibly handle it and would likely make another stupid decision like try to ride the dogs.  Drama and excitement ensue and some other robot kills the robot pets and someone shoots an alien gun and I think a robot flies or jumps or something.  The point is that now our sweet, innocent, dumb daisy-duke-shorts wearing girl is saved by her men and is now free to put on more lipstick.

Women in this movie wear high heels, tight skirts, short-shorts and have long hair and much make up. They don’t say much because the men are talking. Or the robots are talking.  But the robots are men so it’s all the same thing.  There is one women in the movie that sort of isn’t a big baby.  She is the assistant (of course) to a company president.  She has to save him from time to time because of something that has to do with the robots (who cares?).  Each time she does, he remarks that he’s so attracted to her and gives her sexy eyes.  It is not possible for him to just say, “Hey, thanks for saving my life. Again.  I know it was not in the job description,” (see? I can write funny lines too, Michael Bay.  And I’m a girl!). 

What’s really interesting is I’m not a hardcore feminist running around saying things like “Womyn” and not shaving under my arms.  I get that men are men and women are women. I don't think we need to all be thought of as the same because we aren't.  But this was ridiculous.  This movie was offensive to me.  Life according to Michael Bay is male driven, male dominated and male-centric.  Women are vacuous, weak decorations to protect and sleep with. 

Here’s the plot for Transformers 6 (or whatever number they are on).  Some robots come to Earth and fight other robots.  Two hours later, someone makes a girl transformer the same way they made a girl in that movie Weird Science.  In her car form she is a pink Volkswagen beetle. In robot form she looks like Pamela Anderson from Baywatch.  She can’t fight but she can giggle and bounce and bat her eyes.  This disarms that bad transformer robot and just when he’s about to grab her giant, metal robot breasts a good guy transformer rescues her and mankind is saved. 

Then she faints and the good guy robot gives her a big metal kiss and brings her back to life.  Then he fusses at her for being on Earth in the first place and launches her like a rocket into space so she can get back home.

To put on more lipstick.

 

  Look at how many ways she can put on her lipstick!