<<Good thing he's wearing a regulation bright orange hat. Wouldn't want someone to mistake him for an animal?


Ah hunting season. That time of year that men and some women everywhere put on camo pants, hats, gloves shirts, jackets, boots, scarves, and make up and get up before the sun to sit around in a tiny treehouse – wait I mean a deer blind – for hours upon end to kill something. They endure insane weather conditions.  They track animals for miles like bloodhounds. They own bloodhounds.  They own other dogs that act like bloodhounds. They put animal urine on themselves to attract the animals.  I’m going to say that one again – they wear animal pee.  Pee.  From an animal. They wear it. This is a big deal.  Hunting must be so amazingly difficult!  That’s a lot of effort!  That’s a lot of waiting! That’s a lot of tracking! And that’s a LOT of pee!

Here’s what Mother Cusser thinks about that.

What are they killing? I don’t know.  Evidently, there are SEASONS for hunters. Like it’s deer season or squirrel season but two seasons don’t intersect. This is because they have to change the name of the treehouse they are in. If it’s deer season it’s a deer blind.  Squirrel season it’s a squirrel blind.  You can’t go hunting for squirrels and be sitting in a deer blind. That would be absurd.

Speaking of squirrels – I have noticed that hunters tend to speak in that weird non-plural-plural way when they are talking about what they are hunting.  For example:  “”Hey Sam, what are you hunting?” “I’m hunting squirrel,” says Sam.  You’re hunting squirrel? Don’t you mean squirrels? There’s more than one of them out there in the woods right?  Moose is plural for Moose and Deer is plural for Deer which is why hunters say they are hunting turkey instead of turkeys. But that’s just how you refer to Moose and Deer.  Not the rest of the things you’re trying to kill. Stupid Meese. Stupid Deers. This is all their fault.

Oh yeah and why are you sneaking?  Why the outfits? Why the high powered scopes and specialized knives?  All you have to do is drive around in your car and you will find deer. And turkeyS.  In fact, the other day I was driving and about 20 turkeys crossed the road in front of me. I got out of my car, offered some turkey food and when one got close enough I grabbed him and put him the back seat of my car.  Piece of cake.  No camo, no guns, no nothing. 

Also the other night I came upon around 10 deer who were trying to cross the road in the dark.  I put on my brights.  A deer froze. I got out of my car and threw a scarf around the deer’s neck and dragged his frozen body to my car and threw him the back seat with my turkey.  I managed to circumvent the entire urine thing and just catch a deer with my car and scarf.

So with this research completed and a turkey and a deer going nuts in the backseat of my car I have come to the conclusion that hunting is not about catching and killing the animal.  Because I just proved that getting the animal was EASY.  I didn’t even have to use a gun.

It’s about the hunting scene.  It’s the marketing.  It’s the STUFF you wear!  It’s the making singular words plural by talking about them in the singular!!  It’s the tools! It’s the power!  It’s also the sitting around!!  It’s about the pee, folks. At the end of the day, it’s always going to be about the pee. 

And why isn’t there other animal hunting? Like you could hunt snails. People eat snails. You could wear a snail type hat and cover yourself in moss and goo to attract snails.  I will invent a snail call for you to use – when you blow into it you hear nothing because snails don’t have a call – but you don’t care! You’re hunting snail!  You could spend DAYS freezing your butt off in the snail blind just waiting for one to slide by!

Or you could do it my way and pick up that rock.