<<Seriously, what part of the body is that??

 

So they call them boudoir photos. Or erotic photography.  Or adult pictures for him. Or her, depending on your sexual preferences, I suppose.

Whatever the proper name for em? I DID THEM. 

Commence gasping!

Oh close your mouth, ladies who read my blog just to gossip to your friends about how horrible I am.  And also, please close your mouth the one guy who reads this blog (Hi LPP!).

I am announcing in front of God, the parents at my kids’ elementary school and the entire country of Canada that I, THE Mother Cusser, got a Groupon to “Celebrate MY Sexy,” and I had my makeup done, I wore fake eye lashes, I wore sexy outfits (you got to bring four with you), and twisted and contorted into sexy positions that were totally unnatural and painful just to make a fun little Christmas gift for LPP (nothing says Happy Birthday, Jesus like me in a thong with my ankle behind my head).

Okay that’s a lie.  I also did it to see if I could do it.  I’m 40 years old. I’ve had kids.  I have had several leg surgeries leaving me with a bunch of scars.  I can only suck it in so much without suffocating and/or getting a cramp.  Or turning blue.  Or looking fat.  Could I pose for sexy photos and actually LOOK sexy in them?  I was determined to do it. For women everywhere who are 40 and not body builders!  But really, for me.  And LPP of course. Plus, it was a Groupon and once you pay you can’t get your money back.

(The day before the shoot I go for a horseback trail ride.   That night, I come home with chigger bites.  All over my back and booty and legs.  There were so many LPP played connect-the-dot and totally drew a T-Rex and the Big Dipper)

So the day of the shoot arrives.  I go and get my hur did by a buddy of mine.  It is her job to take my very fine hair and make it big and sexy.  After much teasing and about 3 bottles of hairspray (sorry ozone layer), we’re done.

 

This is a real picture taken of the salon after I left.

Now onto the makeup artist at the Mac counter at the mall. I tell her I want to look like myself but a whole lot sexier.  30 minutes, lots of eye liner, lip stick and two fake eyelashes later, I’m ready.  Except the glue from the top fake eyelash has attached both the bottom real lash to the top fake lash.  So my left eye is pinched closed on the side.  I take a quick look in the mirror and have a small heart attack.  “I look like a half Asian drag queen,” I say to her.  She hurries back over and releases my bottom eye lashes from the top.  “Now I just look like a drag queen,” I say.  She laughs and charges me a bunch of money for my new drag make up and sends me on my way.

This is a real picture of me taken after she unstuck my eyelashes.  Much better, don't you think?

Walking around with all of this make up is hilarious.  People look at me constantly.  Maybe they are thinking, “I wonder where that drag queen is going?”  or “That drag queen really looks like a girl! That’s amazing!”  or “I bet that drag queen is going to get boudoir photos taken.” 

I get to the really nice hotel where the shoot is taking place.  I have packed a few outfits.  LPP’s shirt, a bikini that is reminiscent of “Hot for Teacher,” because LPP loves Van Halen, some lingerie and some jean shorts, cowboy boots and hat.  I arrive and am greeted by a professional yet understated girl who ushers me in and quickly assesses my outfit choices and begins the shoot.  

I put on outfit number one and loudly announce to her that I do not have a disease. That those red bumps all over my back, butt and legs are chigger bites.  She doesn’t really respond.  I say this chigger thing like ten more times, just in case she missed it.  She keeps not acknowledging my chigger announcements.  I suppose she hears things like this from a lot of people.  “That is NOT a zit on my butt. It’s a birth mark,” or “That rash is NOT acne it’s a heat rash because it’s hot in here when I’m wearing hardly any clothes and standing in front of this fan to get sexy hair motion.”  But these really WERE chigger bites and not zits!!  I wasn’t lying.  It didn’t matter, she didn’t care.  I stopped talking about the bites but continued to periodically scratch them.  Chigger bites ITCH, badly. 

After an hour of playing Twister-for-one and seeing black dots from the camera flash, we are done.  I’ll get my pics in a few weeks and can decide what to buy. 

I get home and half of my children are there.  They are HORRIFIED at my makeup.  They want to know why are my eyes “black.”  I told them that I was testing makeup for when I was going to be on TV.  My kids said that the choices I had made were terrible and I should try something else. 

LPP, on the other hand, was looking at me like I was a celebrity.   A naked celebrity.  So score one for the sexy photos, right? I didn’t even have them yet and already I was killing it! 

Tune in next week for the blog about what happens when I get to review 120 sexy pictures of myself.