All kinds of kid stuff in the news lately like “Squeaky shoes-gate” and “Baby crying in a fancy restaurant-massacre.”  Wait, that last one was a bit of an exaggeration.  To my knowledge, there was no massacre, only simple thoughts of assault on the parents who brought said baby to said restaurant and they weren’t carried out.  Also, Justin Bieber egged his neighbor’s house.  I’m calling that one, “Biebegg-tastrophe.”  You like that one?  It rolls right off the tongue.  

Everyone wants to know – WHAT DOES MOTHER CUSSER THINK??

Let’s talk about the squeaky kid first.  Evidently, the kid has a developmental disorder and is required to wear special shoes to help her learn to walk.  The squeak happens when the child uses the “heel to toe” manner of walking correctly.  She was in a Panera having lunch with her Mom when people complained about the squeak so the manager asked the Mom to remove the shoes.  Even after Mom explained the situation, the response was the same.  

Here’s what I think:

1. That really does sound super annoying.  
2. It’s a public place.  I often hear voices I find annoying but I don’t go crying to the 17 year old restaurant manager about it.  
3. Isn’t it against a health code or something to have your shoes off?  
4. Why is this news? How did this get national attention?  Did we lose steam on the “Gays in the Olympics, in Russia” story??  
5. I think the manager was stupid.  I also think the shoes are stupid. Maybe they could light up instead? But then someone might have a seizure in Panera and we’d still be in the same boat.  
6. I think Panera coming out and apologizing and offering to cover healthcare bills was a smart move.  I think organizing a kids event like, “Squeaky Shoe Saturday at Panera” would be a bad idea.  I hope they don’t do that.  But if they do, I’m going.  I’ll bring all my kids and outfit them with squeaky shoes to show solidarity.  We won’t be able to hear ourselves to order any food or drinks, but I think we’ve made our point.

Next up – a couple has a sitter cancel at the last minute and therefore are forced to bring their 8 month old to a fancy-schmancy restaurant in Chicago.  Shockingly, the 8 month old cried and irritated other patrons who were trying to enjoy their very expensive escargot (is that fancy anymore?).  After they left, the chef posted publicly on his twitter page about the couple with the baby and asked if he should ban babies from his hoity-toity eatery.

Here’s what I think:

1. Way to be passive aggressive Mr. Chef and humiliate the dumb couple publicly.  You’re nice.
2. Should you ban babies in your fancy restaurant?  No. Ban the people who thought it was a good idea to begin with.  
3. Hey couple, if you’re that loaded that you’re dropping $210 and $265 up front for the tasting-menu-only dinner --not including tax, tip or drinks then I think you can find another babysitter. 

4. Also, couple – did you think your baby would sleep through dinner?  Everyone knows that babies don’t sleep when you want them to.  When little Muffy started to cry, did you offer to share your pear gorgonzola salad with her?   Let me guess, she didn’t like it!  Bet she cried!  You should have tried giving her those oysters on the half shell.  Babies LOVE oysters.
5. I know that Oprah says we all need date nights to make sure our marriages stay hot and sexy.  But it’s not a hot and sexy date night when your baby is crying and throwing raw oysters around.  
6. One time when I was 9076 months pregnant and enormous I went out to a fancy place with my then husband.  I ordered a chocolate cake for dessert.  The woman at the table next to us thought it would be a good idea to lean over and enlighten me on the fact that, “Tsk, tsk!  You shouldn’t be eating that!  You’re going to hurt the baby!” Now THAT was annoying.  I think the chef should ban everyone who looks like they might be a dumbass.  I will help him figure out who’s who.  I’m great at that.

Speaking of…Justin Bieber egged his neighbor’s house and it’s national news.  

Here’s what I think:

1. It happened to my house when I was in high school.  I found the perpetrators and made them come over and clean it off.  Turns out it was some cute football players. I was thrilled. Even took pictures of it.
2. If every stupid thing I ever did was on the news – well – it would be the best show you’ve ever seen.
3. They had to search his house for evidence.  They found cocaine.  No one mentioned if they found eggs though.  So maybe he didn’t do it.
4. This neighbor sounds like someone who would complain about squeaky shoes on a toddler at a Panera.

5. The damage is estimated to be 20k!  What kind of eggs was he using?!  Probably cage free ones from Whole Foods. 

6. At least he’s not bringing a crying baby to a fancy restaurant.