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Mother Cusser's Guide To Getting You Action This Valentine's Day

Mother Cusser's Guide To Getting You Action This Valentine's Day

Step one: Do not cut a hole in the box.

Author: Mother Cusser/Monday, February 10, 2014/Categories: Cussing, DIVORCE...

<<Even if she really, really, really needs an extra phone charger, this is not a Valentine's gift that will get you ANY action.  

Valentine’s Day.  The day when men are required to think romantically to find the “perfect” gift and stage the “perfect” evening for their lady loves.  

Let me take a step back and define “perfect valentine’s day” for you, men, because everyone knows you don’t get it because you never listen to her anyway.
A “perfect valentine’s day” as defined by Webster’s Dictionary:  The day that you will fall short of pleasing her because your lame Snoopy holding a heart that says “You’re mine, Charlie Brown” will not measure up to her expectations because she watches The Bachelor and that show has defined romance in the form of helicopter rides over the city followed by a culturally appropriate dinner based on whatever the city is followed by a personal concert from Bruno Mars and The Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

That is one long definition of a perfect Valentine’s Day!  But you get the idea.
In addition to The Bachelor, your local Walgreens would also have you believe that they have the perfect gift that get you on her romantic side. 

Things like this.  

And this.


And this.


And this.


 Walgreens knows that you have blown it the past few years because you thought you nailed it when you got her a new laundry basket for Valentine’s Day.  “Hey! She has been talking about getting one with a top, for like, this whole year,” you thought, stupidly.  “She is gonna looove this!” 

Speaking of completely unromantic gifts - one time I got a boyfriend the ENTIRE Godfather Trilogy on VHS (shut up. I’m 40. This happened in college) and you know what he got me?????  A BELT.   A F****NG BELT.   A belt.  A belt? YES.  A belt.  He was like, “I thought you needed a belt.”    

MEN.  NEVER GO PRACTICAL.  Does she need new tires? Don’t get them for Valentine’s Day.  Did she say ONE TIME that she might like to have nice speakers?  DON’T GET NEW SPEAKERS. Seriously.  Speakers are cool to have, but she really wanted something thoughtful and expensive.  Maybe her lawn mower broke.  DO NOT GET A NEW LAWN MOWER FOR VALENTINE’S DAY.  

Men.  I love you.  You’re adorable.  You’re strong.  You work hard. You make us smile.  But let’s face it – you’re gonna blow it if you go the way of practicality or Walgreens for her this Valentine’s Day.  Is a Walgreens Garfield holding a heart that says “Love is like Lasagna” a better option than something practical like a new grill?  No. You lose either way.

So what’s a boy to do?  

Do you want her to rock your world this Valentine’s Day? You do?  

I recommend this. Go watch old seasons of The Bachelor.  Rip off everything you can. Say things like: “You look amazing. This is amazing.  I feel so connected to you.  Want to do it in the Fantasy Suite that is the local Marriot hotel room number 153?”  

 Improvise! Instead of a helicopter, use your car.  Instead of taking her to Hong Kong maybe hit a nice Chinese restaurant.  Instead of the serenade from Bruno Mars himself– maybe you sing it? I don’t know that last one might be a bust.  It could be charmingly cute or horribly annoying.  

And ladies – one thing for you.  Don’t tell him not to make a big deal out of it when you secretly want him to make a big deal. He doesn’t get that.  Personally, I announced to LPP last week the following message: “I want you to know that I have expectations for Valentine’s Day. They are fairly high.  I hope that you will be able to exceed them. I am telling you this because I don’t want hear from you that I did not communicate my expectations to you.  They have been communicated.”

He nodded and very seriously said, “Baby, you are amazing.  You look amazing.  I feel so connected to you right now.  Want to do it in the Fantasy Suite that is our bedroom?”  

As long as he’s not getting me a belt.

Nothing screams I want to make sweet, sweet love to you like a BELT.  

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